Violent Emotions*

Weird days go by. Nothing happens and everything remains the same day after day. Emotions fluctuate violently. A minute, an hour, a day is what it takes to experience those emotions that rule a life in which the person wants to take complete control. Around me, everything is happening to everyone, and it may be just life happening or some signals disguised under better known skins. When one of my stars lost its brightness two months ago, the learning that it left me was to be spontaneous and act; some days later I did. Then, I traveled fastly with a shooting star that I know is still out there, but I can't see it. Are we going through the same?.
Everyone has to see for its own and best interest, and what has interested me so far, it hasn't been me, even though I did think so. I have been interested in others, therefore, I have spent my time trying to get to know them better. Some I still see them, some not, but what matters here is that my contribution to their lives worked, and that is the only thing I am certain about of what I did.
I can't erase the good and bad moments I have lived, and once again that saying makes sense: "things happen for a reason". I have no clue today, but if I hold on to these rocky roads I'm going through in my life, I will find out. Writing is my catharsis, or maybe it's the way that I will be able to look back and understand. My memory can't be trusted, for I could not recall well the emotions experienced at a specific time. I'm on my own pursuit of happiness. I am aware that is not a thing to be found somewhere, but I wanted or believed I would find it really away from here. Maybe I will or maybe I won't, but I'm trying to hold on because there are some days in which I have hope, and I believe that things will be better.
I haven't been strong enough, for I have crumbled too many times, and even though I've wanted to let go all of those times, I've stood up and kept on going.

The Past*

When I look at old pictures, I get the feeling of going through someone else's past. A past that when it existed, it was formed with several components, and that today only remain a few. The past has an influence on the people of the present. We are who we are now, but the present "you", is still connected and influenced with the past "you". Because the past makes its contribution to form us, I can't resist to wonder who were you in the past?; were you happy and stable?; did you feel like your life was going somewhere?. When living in the past-present, we don't realize that what we have will follow its natural course, and since it belongs to us, we don't think that it will be difficult to keep it. Now, you have arrived to that time you didn't think of. Even though some people say you're strange and that that's the way you are, I think you have your reasons hidden well that makes you the person that people believes you really are. I wonder if they ever wondered like me, why are you like that?. Maybe they did in the beginning, and maybe you haven't found someone to trust and that will understand you. I'm a person that likes to know the reason for everything. It may seem that I'm, being nosy, but I think that when knowing the reason, I'm able to understand.
We are driven by reasons and some of us act according to those reasons. It seems that you try to open up to the people you're getting to know and that for some reason you end up liking them. That is how you get to see if you will trust them even more. Everything can't be said on one night, but it's only you who can allow others to get to know you better. You seem like a mystery to be discovered, or maybe you're as simple as everyone says, but again, that is their perception of you. Maybe I'm mistaken, but this is my initial thought. If I'm proven wrong in the future, that will be that. Today I was inspired by your pictorial past, and it allowed me to be in peace. I got to know the past "you", and you are not so different from today.

The Breakup*

I will remember this day for some time... That's the thought that crossed my mind when I got off the car and that I was on my way to San Diego. I called one of my friends to beg him to please answer me when I called because I knew that He was going to leave me. After four days of total indifference, I knew that was going to happen. When I got in his car, I had my first face to face signal. All the way to his house was another hint.
It was the first time that we both wore matching outfits. We wore red t-shirts, jeans and casual shoes. When he said it out loud, I believed in my irrelevant imagination.
Since monday I knew he was going to break up with me, but I didn't know the reason and the way that I was going to handle it. He put an end to that everyday wondering, and stupid emotional me, I got carried away and cried. He said that the way that we get along is more like a friendship because it lacks the romanticism that a real relationship is made of. He said that us being friends it's more special. I don't know if he said it because we met when we were little. At age 5, I was his first kiss as he was mine. The look in his eyes intrigued me and made me like him. I found him in '03 through a high school friend that was in the same major as him. We talked for a while, then nothing until March '09.
It kind of started with a ticket to an unknown band concert, and it kind of ended with a ticket to Ximena's concert. That is when he found out. Now, I go day by day, and I don't make a lot of plans for the future when it's about relationships. I wish I hadn't cried, and I wish that I had acknowledged that I shared his thought of being friends.
When I cried, it wasn't because of the breakup but of its meaning to me. I have always had failed relationships, and that left me wondering "What did I lack?". This time it seems that there isn't someone else, so the future doesn't seem too dark. One of my fears was that if someday we brokeup, what would be of us?. It's like I had accepted to be in a relationship with the first person I liked in my life, and that I liked recently. I was scared that if we brokeup, we would end up having nothing. Well, now I hope to recover ASAP so that I can appreciate what it should always have remained, a special friendhsip that probably started when we were 5.

Living the Dream as a Shooting Star*

For the past six weeks I was living a dream...my dream. It all happened too fast. I would like not to remember any of it because nostalgia will find its way to reach my heart, but it wasn't bad at all. I started this year with one of my best friends, and she told me "this year will be different". It felt like a positive warning, like when someone tells you to buckle up and hold on to your seat because it will be a different ride. It is the fifth month of the year, and it has been quite a ride. All that I didn't live and learn during the past five years due to my living limbo/coma, I've lived it during these past five months. What I have to unlearn is crying. It has to stop because it doesn't make any sense to be so emotional if I understand what is being said.
It seemed like he was different, so I trusted him. He made me feel important and special. I felt that I mattered. As I have told my closest friends, those who have been with me since the beginning and until now, these past years have been terrible. I used to believe in myself, and if things didn't happen immediately, I used to believe that they would happen some other time. I used to have hope for the future, but after falling too many times all of that went away. I still can't say that I'm self confident and that I believe in myself, but sometihng did change or came back to me, I believe that love does exist. I experienced one type of love from someone who seems to be true to himself.
Maybe I will never have someone to care for me, someone that will love me and that will think that I'm unique and special. I have friends that think that of me. Friends are forever...but lovers? not always. Today I remember that when I was a child, I wanted to have someone that would love me. I'm not impossible to be with, but I should realize that maybe love is not meant for me. Maybe I'm the type of girl that will only be liked and somewhat loved for a couple of months or even less than that. Then, I will be thrown away and be laughed at to finally be forgotten.