Despues de la Tormenta*

Esto es la locura!. Despues de tener un dia negro, marcado por el estrés y ansiedad, en éste momento me siento con motivación a ser una mejor yo. El hecho de que alguien prefiera ferocidad a calidad no tiene que ver conmigo. Esa otra persona, en éste momento espera encontrar alguien que no se ve como yo. Intentó cambiar en mi lo que el buscaba y aunque no es definitivo lo que quiero, no cedí. Creo que esta mal de repente desaparecer pero cuando uno de los dos lo hace es por que solo buscaba, no encontró, se desinteresó y se fue. Hoy ya no estoy interesada en las respuestas que yo buscaba. He aprendido de la historia y no estoy dispuesta a repasar lo que ya se. La historia de diferentes culturas solo difieren en eso, en la cultura, pero al final la historia es la misma. Te perdono por que no sabes lo que haces ni de lo que te pierdes. Cuando te enteres, espero que lo aprecies y lo valores y a mi... que me valga.

(Escrito despues del dia del negro abismo)

Ella, Yo*

Su primera respuesta siempre es desfavorable y de cierta manera mal intencionada. Victima de mis decisiones siempre, pero nunca aprendo. Los dias no regresan, las oportunidades pasan y los errores se repiten. Hay una frase que Kurt Cobain escribió en su carta de despedida y que me hace coincidir con el: "...it's better to burn out than to fade away". Es cierto pero yo me he hecho fade al instante en la vida de muchas personas. Todo por que el dolor nunca ha sido suficiente como para poner punto final.
Dicen que cuando te cansas de una situación, te detienes en seco y lo dejas todo para empezar con algo mas. Estaba conciente de que podía haber una recaída pero no una caida al negro abismo. Estas son solo sensaciones a las que mi cuerpo ya se ha acostumbrado y cree que es la forma normal de estar. La fiesta terminó temprano y me hace pensar si es un error pasarla bien?, disfrutar y sentir que todo esta bien tambien esta mal?. Preguntas para las cuales yo no tengo respuestas y que las personas que no estan en control de mi vida solo responden con mentiras. Estoy harta de las mentiras por que no me han llevado a la felicidad, estabilidad o madurez. Aunque un año malo haya quedado en el pasado, la mala vida prevalece.

Crash and Burn*

I played with fire, and I got burned. It really was too good to be true, and I finally understood what D meant with "if you don't respect yourself, then others won't respect you". I just can't keep on falling this hard and this fast.
I trusted you, and I never imagined you were going to fail me. Even though there were no expectations of that type, I hoped that you were going to respect me after all. I'm never enough for someone. I always lack everything. I am so disposable and have no value. I opened myself too soon, and I lost everything including myself. Once again I'm ready to go and never come back, but I can't do it because I don't want to suffer. Today I am ready. I am sorry for becoming a disappointment. It really wasn't my intention that all this went so bad. I tried to do my best in controlling myself, but my emotions overruled.
I slept for a couple of hours, then I woke up to read the words that brought me down earlier. They didn't hurt me again because the damage is already done. It's like being poisoned, the second time won't make any difference. Another lesson learned the hard way. Ok, I can't say that I've learned it until I'm exposed to a similar situation and then master it by not doing the same mistake...again.
The best option for now is to walk away at least for a week, or just take the time to try and heal these wounds. I'm upset because life used you to make me suffer. However, you will never know, and I will miss everything.

Typical*

I read different type of books, and I enjoy not sticking to a single genre. Maybe because I am versatile, and I like different things every now and then. I've been reading this book since the day I bought it (wednesday), and I could have chosen to watch the movie instead, just in case i turned to be the slow reader I've been with the other books turned into movies. So far so good because I'm almost done with it. Anyway, everytime I start reading a book, I have some expectations such as to be entertained or to find a resemblance between the story/characters and myself. While reading this book, I was looking for answers and probably new theories to argue about (with myself and then turn it into a writing topic). It took me by surprise that in this book I found a chapter literally about me. If I had read it when it happened, I would still have gone through the process of wondering and justifying because as the book said "I needed answers", that i never got as the book also said. I laughed when I read this because on that chapter I noticed that I had gone through what some girls go through. I learned that in those situations, I can be typical even when I thought I was being original by wanting some answers that when I got them those weren't the answers I was hoping for or even expecting. They were lies, sweet little lies that made me happy for a second, but didn't take away my everyday wondering.

V day*

I might have to let some time pass by once again. The first time I didn't know that it was going to be that way. After 4 months of hoping that he would come back, I understood that all that he had said were bad excuses just so that the friendship wouldn't get lost for a possible future. I've cheated myself again. I feel stupid because no matter how many times I've been warned, I get carried away. My heart is at peace now. I feel numb. Perhaps the crying took away the energy I had left. I was cast out, but I don't understand why.
Another Valentine's day spent alone, but feeling blue compared to past ones. In the celebration of love and friendship, I've heard those words I stopped saying to myself about 2 months ago.
Today it feels like last year. I feel depressed, I can't and I don't want to eat. I hate myself and I want to die. I am lonely. However, today I don't feel ugly and obese.
I have panic attacks one day, terrible mood swings the next one and depression the next hour.
That small detail can't make up all that I was hoping for today. Maybe it's another excuse, but 5 months later it has a different face. That's the thing with distrusting people, even when you have known them for a long time, in the end you won't feel disappointed. The problem lies in the expectations and hopes one has. For the past days I had this problem. Tonight I will not trust you even if I see you in my dreams.

Late @ night*

I used to enjoy being awake until late by entertaining myself watching TV, dancing or chatting with those who were awake. Now, I wish that I could spend more time sleeping because that way I wouldn´t feel this ache in my heart. I go to bed, I wake up, and I spend my day with the accelerated beating of my heart. It´s anxiety mixed with fear and frustration that multiple times a day turns into panic attacks. I do my best to control them, but in the process I burst into tears because of the pain.
I wanted to completely understand human behavior and people´s emotions. I wanted to be there for people and help them. I wanted to be in control of my emotions, to be strong. In a way I was, and that is why I chose Psychology as my major. I thought i knew all the basics, and that I just needed scientific knowledge. During my undergrad years, I had plenty of obstacles. I overcame some of them, and I let time pass with some others. The obstacles that I have ignored have been the ones that have left me wounded. I learned what was wrong, but I didn´t learn how not to fall again with the same mistake.
Valentine´s day... I´m usually at school that day, seeing all of the couples and the people that have their friends with them. This time it will be on a saturday, and I might not see all that for the first time in years. I thought that for the first time I was going to get to do something with some friends, but it seems that my presence is not required, or so it feels that way. I don´t like to make people feel uncomfortable with my presence because that will leave me feeling uncomfortable too. Maybe it will be like previous Valentine days. This is just a reminder that even when things have changed in my life, I shouldn´t get too excited believing that everything will change for good.

I am, I am not, I want*

I am not very smart. I experiment with myself by doing things I know I shouldn't. I disrespect and hurt myself with that behavior. I don't understand how is that others will disrespect me if i disrespect myself. D told me that I humiliate myself a lot, and I think that I'm just being conscious of all my negative non-qualities. I will never be the way people think I am. I am complicated and impossible to understand.
I want to make better decisions, to be confident. I want to value myself and see the positive qualities that my closest friends tell me about. I want to be smart, friendly, outgoing, easy going. I would like to be a free spirit that doesn't live by the social norms. I want to have better ideas and a clue of what my life is made of. I want to know who I am and also understand myself. Maybe if I achieve to have all this, I will end up being happy or at peace with myself. I don't know when exactly I got lost, I don't know if I'll ever find myself again. Maybe I'll find a new and better me, but until that happens, I will still feel this way. I'm not at my comfort zone because I'm doing things that I used to refuse.
Is this the beginning of a new me?

Complicated*

I’m complicated. I don’t even understand myself. I don’t know what I want, but I am sure I want more. I’ve tried to find my way, my purpose in life, but it becomes harder each time I try a new way to achieve it. I’m surrounded by people that have helped me to understand myself, but in the end I complicate everything as usual. I’m overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with life, people…everything. My way of thinking and perceiving things is so tangled that I never have a way to untangle it. Even in my dreams, everything is complicated, and I suffer the same as in life. Maybe my dreams are like my life, or maybe my life is a dream that becomes a nightmare each time I become self conscious and try to do the right thing, but I end up doing the opposite. Maybe I’m not true to myself… and what I think that bothers me, it's not really it, but I try to cover it with that, so that I won't look like a fool. Life has passed me by, and I will never have my moment.