V day*

I might have to let some time pass by once again. The first time I didn't know that it was going to be that way. After 4 months of hoping that he would come back, I understood that all that he had said were bad excuses just so that the friendship wouldn't get lost for a possible future. I've cheated myself again. I feel stupid because no matter how many times I've been warned, I get carried away. My heart is at peace now. I feel numb. Perhaps the crying took away the energy I had left. I was cast out, but I don't understand why.
Another Valentine's day spent alone, but feeling blue compared to past ones. In the celebration of love and friendship, I've heard those words I stopped saying to myself about 2 months ago.
Today it feels like last year. I feel depressed, I can't and I don't want to eat. I hate myself and I want to die. I am lonely. However, today I don't feel ugly and obese.
I have panic attacks one day, terrible mood swings the next one and depression the next hour.
That small detail can't make up all that I was hoping for today. Maybe it's another excuse, but 5 months later it has a different face. That's the thing with distrusting people, even when you have known them for a long time, in the end you won't feel disappointed. The problem lies in the expectations and hopes one has. For the past days I had this problem. Tonight I will not trust you even if I see you in my dreams.