Late @ night*

I used to enjoy being awake until late by entertaining myself watching TV, dancing or chatting with those who were awake. Now, I wish that I could spend more time sleeping because that way I wouldn´t feel this ache in my heart. I go to bed, I wake up, and I spend my day with the accelerated beating of my heart. It´s anxiety mixed with fear and frustration that multiple times a day turns into panic attacks. I do my best to control them, but in the process I burst into tears because of the pain.
I wanted to completely understand human behavior and people´s emotions. I wanted to be there for people and help them. I wanted to be in control of my emotions, to be strong. In a way I was, and that is why I chose Psychology as my major. I thought i knew all the basics, and that I just needed scientific knowledge. During my undergrad years, I had plenty of obstacles. I overcame some of them, and I let time pass with some others. The obstacles that I have ignored have been the ones that have left me wounded. I learned what was wrong, but I didn´t learn how not to fall again with the same mistake.
Valentine´s day... I´m usually at school that day, seeing all of the couples and the people that have their friends with them. This time it will be on a saturday, and I might not see all that for the first time in years. I thought that for the first time I was going to get to do something with some friends, but it seems that my presence is not required, or so it feels that way. I don´t like to make people feel uncomfortable with my presence because that will leave me feeling uncomfortable too. Maybe it will be like previous Valentine days. This is just a reminder that even when things have changed in my life, I shouldn´t get too excited believing that everything will change for good.