Ultimo*

Para ti de mi:

Te dedico esta pregunta, pero por favor no la contestes por que puedo empezar a compadecerte y a tener lastima por ti, por que creo conocerte. Siento que esta nueva persona le da significado a mi vida, un significado que sin ayuda yo no pude darle. Pretendo saber lo que es de tu vida cuando ni siquiera me tomo el tiempo de verdad enterarme lo que ha sido de ti. Tampoco ocupo mi tiempo en quien digo es "la persona mas importante de mi vida", asi de irresponsable juego en el mundo de los responsables. Juzgo a primera instancia a quien no me importa, de quien no puedo sacar algun provecho, y solo me interesa quedarme con lo que pienso de esa persona y nunca saber como es cada día. Se que me buscaste, pero yo no quería saber nada de ti en ese momento y tal vez por un buen rato. Lo intentaste un par de veces, pero ya no quería nada de ti, ya te había sacado provecho, algo que creí no quería de ti. Ahora le digo a la gente que no me hablas, y es que no puedo recordar que me dijiste que te esforzarías y lo intentarías. No puedo recordar que tu me buscaste un par de veces y yo te ignoré. No recuerdo haber actuado con frialdad para que me dejaras en paz. Mi propuesta es que si quieres, me puede buscar, por que ahora creo ser felíz y tu pseudo-presencia no me afecta como cuando creí que serías como las demás. Pretendo ver y creer que estás mal, pero no me interesa enterarme si es asi de verdad...

Para mi de ti:

Entiendo, y todo lo que se ya no me importa. Pensaba esperar a sentir lo que hace tiempo me dió a entender que había superado todo, pero esta vez las cosas son diferentes, como todo lo que ha pasado en estos siete meses. Ya no estoy jugando y no empezaré a hacerlo ahora que yo si noté que estas. No explicaré todo lo que puede ser explicado para que lo entiendas. He llegado al punto final de tu capítulo y a pasar página. Para concluir, creí tener la culpa, creí estar mal, creí ser todo lo (malo) que tu eres. Estoy bien y no sufro de euforia. Tu propuesta final, considerala bien, por que yo puedo odiar ahora y tener rencor, despues... depende de un mejor tu que pueda existir o morir en el intento, y eso no lo se yo. Tu no sabes de mi como yo no sabré de ti o de si sigues hablando mal de tus amigos. Valora lo que tienes siempre y no nada mas cuando te das cuenta que lo necesitas.

Distinto*

Distintas personas me han inspirado a distintas cosas. Distintas formas de vivir, de escribir, de percibir la vida y de entender lo que pasa. Dos distintas personas, pasando por una experiencia similar en el mismo tiempo, indirectamente me motivaron a tomar una decisión que no se debe tomar a la ligera por que la estabilidad emocional está bajo nuestro control.
Esa primavera yo me sentí en control de mi misma y evalué todo lo que tenía y que podía tener. En ese momento había una gran barrera de protección; una barrera que me tenía algo indiferente y aun adormecida. Una noche de esa temporada leí algo que me hizo entender que la vida se me está pasando y no estoy experimentando lo que todos por que me gusta lo seguro. No me gusta sufrir. Entonces decidí darme una oportunidad...darte una oportunidad. Eres malo? no, has sido "sincero" y "bueno" conmigo. Me lastimarás? no, nos conocemos de hace mucho tiempo, por qué arruinarlo con algo fugaz?. Y como siempre, la vida me sorprendió como sorprende a todos los que apuestan por algo que ni ellos saben que obtendrán.
Volé al creer y soñar; caí al sufrir y despertar. Me confundí y lloré al no entender lo que pasaba. Tus frases fueron como ataques personales, pero egocentrico tu, solo te expresabas. Crecí como persona? soy mas fuerte? aprendí otra lección?. No estoy segura, pero lo que si se es que me fallé a mi misma. Dejé lo que quería por tener algo que no necesitaba. Al final viví mas de lo que esperaba y tal vez fuí protegida para no fallarme mas y cometer alguna estupidez, pero esto ultimo sería como borrar todo y creer que el fin era positivo.
Distinto tu me inspiraste a odiar, a escribir verdades oscuras sobre ti. Me inspiraste a tenerte rencor y a despreciar lo que ignoré de ti. Ahora ya puedo decir que me da igual por que es un hecho y no despecho que trata de aminorarte. Distinto el, me ha inspirado a ver que no todos son iguales, como tu; me he enfocado de nuevo y puedo ver que por alguien tan pequeño globalicé lo que solo existe aquí y que no existe en el distinto lugar al que pertenezco.

Memories*

I'm trying to forget everything sweet you said. The moments shared. The laughs, hugs, kisses. I surely don't remember them with the same feeling. Actually there is no feeling at all. Perhaps there are no strings attached anymore. Maybe I finally succeeded in letting go off you in that way. You're not a good or bad memory, you're just a plain and simple memory. I tried not to let go off you because I thought we could have something else than a love relationship, isn't that what you said and had in mind the last time we spoke?. It could have been a lot more special than what we had or could ever have as a couple. Maybe I didn't believe in love, but I kind of believed in destiny, even more after watching that movie about destiny with you. We met a long time ago like the characters in that movie, and I dared to believe that us getting to meet again after so long was meant to be for some reason, but now that reason doesn't seem to exist. Sometimes I believe that things happen to teach us a lesson about something. What is the lesson to learn here? Not to ask a possible 'old' friend to become your girlfriend?. Be an asshole and forget about being a gentleman and forget about manners?. I'm a bad person, but I never was bad to you, so I deserved much more than a lie. I'm smarter than you, but I guess your little mind didn't understand me when I told you to talk to me with the TRUTH. You quickly moved on, and I kind of 'quickly' have forgotten about the feeling I had about you. You weren't great, but you weren't that bad either. I think I don't miss anything, and you're fading away.

The Liar in You*

I've been wasting my time, staring at the door that got shut a month ago. I am still staring at it every day, hoping that it will open again, and I'll be able to get in and be part of what I wouldn't be missing now if it wasn't for my fault. At the same time, the doors that remain open, they give me a peek of what it is and that never changes. I appreciate it and I like it, but maybe not in the way that I should.
What is friendship?; How does it feel to be a friend?. A friendship can't start based on a lie. A person that pretends to be a friend, and that lies since day one, it's maybe a person that doesn't want to be your friend now or later. Friends-Lovers-Ex-Lovers... Friends?. It is possible, but both have to be willing to really become that. The person that got hurt was willing to become that, and the one that finished it, the one with that 'friend' idea, simply vanished. Unstable? ok, but also a liar and a jerk that has no respect for others' feelings. An annoyed jerk that rushes into things in order to overcome his own pain, thinking that others will take it away. It is possible, but you are not letting the right people, those who know you best, help you. Why keep on writing and questioning myself about you?. Would you do the same?. Probably not because the difference between you and I is that I still care when in your life I died the moment you realized I was of no use anymore. I still have questions, but I wouldn't be wondering if you hadn't lied. But again, what do you care?. Hoping that you will come back as the friend you promised to be, is like believing in the fairy tales I never believed as a little girl. And because you're not coming back to apologize for your immature and jerk attitude toward me, when I get you out of my system, I will destroy you with the thoughts I refused to pay attention to so that I wouldn't end up seeing you the way you really are. I believed in you, so I trusted you.
People like you get noticed by the "cheerful/friendly" facade you want others to see so that they believe that is really who you are. You even think that is who you are, but you are still nobody. Your belongings are the only things that you own, for you still don't have yourself because you don't exist. There is still a long road to go through in order for you to create yourself. Once you told me "You have all of your life to figure out who you are", I think you were speaking about your confused self because if you don't figure who you are now, you will be like the ghost that's wandering around through life. Liars lie to themselves, and they don't even notice it.
Je ne veux pas ressentir de haine, mais c'est tout ce que tu m'as laissé avec ton...Mensonge!

Good-bye 23*

These are the last minutes of being 23 years young. I don't have much to say because I haven't been inspired to write lately. Tomorrow I will be 24, it is a large number, and I don't feel that old. As the number in my age changes, I will be able to leave behind the stuff that happened from last june 5th to this one.
On December 31st we have our opportunity of the year to leave all the bad that happened in our lives. We also get to think of the good that happened to us, and that somehow will stay with us longer. Yesterday, a guy gave me an idea that could work. I could use my 24th birthday like the start of a new year in the middle of '09. On the 6th month of the year, the one that i like the most, I'm gonna get a fresh start just like I had one in January. Even though I'm not able to forget the feeling right now, sooner or later I will. My friend Ruby was right when she said that this year was going to be different... it really has been.

Violent Emotions*

Weird days go by. Nothing happens and everything remains the same day after day. Emotions fluctuate violently. A minute, an hour, a day is what it takes to experience those emotions that rule a life in which the person wants to take complete control. Around me, everything is happening to everyone, and it may be just life happening or some signals disguised under better known skins. When one of my stars lost its brightness two months ago, the learning that it left me was to be spontaneous and act; some days later I did. Then, I traveled fastly with a shooting star that I know is still out there, but I can't see it. Are we going through the same?.
Everyone has to see for its own and best interest, and what has interested me so far, it hasn't been me, even though I did think so. I have been interested in others, therefore, I have spent my time trying to get to know them better. Some I still see them, some not, but what matters here is that my contribution to their lives worked, and that is the only thing I am certain about of what I did.
I can't erase the good and bad moments I have lived, and once again that saying makes sense: "things happen for a reason". I have no clue today, but if I hold on to these rocky roads I'm going through in my life, I will find out. Writing is my catharsis, or maybe it's the way that I will be able to look back and understand. My memory can't be trusted, for I could not recall well the emotions experienced at a specific time. I'm on my own pursuit of happiness. I am aware that is not a thing to be found somewhere, but I wanted or believed I would find it really away from here. Maybe I will or maybe I won't, but I'm trying to hold on because there are some days in which I have hope, and I believe that things will be better.
I haven't been strong enough, for I have crumbled too many times, and even though I've wanted to let go all of those times, I've stood up and kept on going.

The Past*

When I look at old pictures, I get the feeling of going through someone else's past. A past that when it existed, it was formed with several components, and that today only remain a few. The past has an influence on the people of the present. We are who we are now, but the present "you", is still connected and influenced with the past "you". Because the past makes its contribution to form us, I can't resist to wonder who were you in the past?; were you happy and stable?; did you feel like your life was going somewhere?. When living in the past-present, we don't realize that what we have will follow its natural course, and since it belongs to us, we don't think that it will be difficult to keep it. Now, you have arrived to that time you didn't think of. Even though some people say you're strange and that that's the way you are, I think you have your reasons hidden well that makes you the person that people believes you really are. I wonder if they ever wondered like me, why are you like that?. Maybe they did in the beginning, and maybe you haven't found someone to trust and that will understand you. I'm a person that likes to know the reason for everything. It may seem that I'm, being nosy, but I think that when knowing the reason, I'm able to understand.
We are driven by reasons and some of us act according to those reasons. It seems that you try to open up to the people you're getting to know and that for some reason you end up liking them. That is how you get to see if you will trust them even more. Everything can't be said on one night, but it's only you who can allow others to get to know you better. You seem like a mystery to be discovered, or maybe you're as simple as everyone says, but again, that is their perception of you. Maybe I'm mistaken, but this is my initial thought. If I'm proven wrong in the future, that will be that. Today I was inspired by your pictorial past, and it allowed me to be in peace. I got to know the past "you", and you are not so different from today.

The Breakup*

I will remember this day for some time... That's the thought that crossed my mind when I got off the car and that I was on my way to San Diego. I called one of my friends to beg him to please answer me when I called because I knew that He was going to leave me. After four days of total indifference, I knew that was going to happen. When I got in his car, I had my first face to face signal. All the way to his house was another hint.
It was the first time that we both wore matching outfits. We wore red t-shirts, jeans and casual shoes. When he said it out loud, I believed in my irrelevant imagination.
Since monday I knew he was going to break up with me, but I didn't know the reason and the way that I was going to handle it. He put an end to that everyday wondering, and stupid emotional me, I got carried away and cried. He said that the way that we get along is more like a friendship because it lacks the romanticism that a real relationship is made of. He said that us being friends it's more special. I don't know if he said it because we met when we were little. At age 5, I was his first kiss as he was mine. The look in his eyes intrigued me and made me like him. I found him in '03 through a high school friend that was in the same major as him. We talked for a while, then nothing until March '09.
It kind of started with a ticket to an unknown band concert, and it kind of ended with a ticket to Ximena's concert. That is when he found out. Now, I go day by day, and I don't make a lot of plans for the future when it's about relationships. I wish I hadn't cried, and I wish that I had acknowledged that I shared his thought of being friends.
When I cried, it wasn't because of the breakup but of its meaning to me. I have always had failed relationships, and that left me wondering "What did I lack?". This time it seems that there isn't someone else, so the future doesn't seem too dark. One of my fears was that if someday we brokeup, what would be of us?. It's like I had accepted to be in a relationship with the first person I liked in my life, and that I liked recently. I was scared that if we brokeup, we would end up having nothing. Well, now I hope to recover ASAP so that I can appreciate what it should always have remained, a special friendhsip that probably started when we were 5.

Living the Dream as a Shooting Star*

For the past six weeks I was living a dream...my dream. It all happened too fast. I would like not to remember any of it because nostalgia will find its way to reach my heart, but it wasn't bad at all. I started this year with one of my best friends, and she told me "this year will be different". It felt like a positive warning, like when someone tells you to buckle up and hold on to your seat because it will be a different ride. It is the fifth month of the year, and it has been quite a ride. All that I didn't live and learn during the past five years due to my living limbo/coma, I've lived it during these past five months. What I have to unlearn is crying. It has to stop because it doesn't make any sense to be so emotional if I understand what is being said.
It seemed like he was different, so I trusted him. He made me feel important and special. I felt that I mattered. As I have told my closest friends, those who have been with me since the beginning and until now, these past years have been terrible. I used to believe in myself, and if things didn't happen immediately, I used to believe that they would happen some other time. I used to have hope for the future, but after falling too many times all of that went away. I still can't say that I'm self confident and that I believe in myself, but sometihng did change or came back to me, I believe that love does exist. I experienced one type of love from someone who seems to be true to himself.
Maybe I will never have someone to care for me, someone that will love me and that will think that I'm unique and special. I have friends that think that of me. Friends are forever...but lovers? not always. Today I remember that when I was a child, I wanted to have someone that would love me. I'm not impossible to be with, but I should realize that maybe love is not meant for me. Maybe I'm the type of girl that will only be liked and somewhat loved for a couple of months or even less than that. Then, I will be thrown away and be laughed at to finally be forgotten.

Closure*

I was a bit impressed when I kind of met you. I got excited when I found out it wasn't that meaningless. When I first saw you, I wasn't overwhelmed and that allowed me to appreciate you just the crazy way you are. I wasn't expecting something. Perhaps I did, I wanted you to respect me. The days spent with you were fun, and I learned from you as you learned from me, so we are even. When I felt hurt, it wasn't because of what you did and didn't do, it was because of how I processed it. However, you could have been considerate. When we talk, everything is as it should. This friendship is valuable for what its worth. My path met yours and also met the path of some others. Things happen for a reason and the reason of getting to know you met its purpose. Before your crazy presence, I was in limbo with no need to be here everyday. Even though I was judged by you, I had a great time. Not only did I meet you, but I met some great people with whom I've been able to share some incredible moments. Thank you!

Presente*

Antes no tenía mucho y cuando pensaba en el futuro, imaginaba que tendría todo lo que me faltaba en ese momento. El antes era mi presente y hoy puedo confirmar que de verdad no había nada de lo que mas quería. Ahora hay alguien que me dice lo que siente y lo que piensa. Es sincero y puro con su forma de ser. Me agrada y me gusta pasar tiempo con el. Parece que eso es algo que compartimos. Tengo miedo que de algun motivo todo esto pueda tener como un "final" inesperado y despues yo me quede sola e ilusionada como ya me ha pasado.
Te conocí hace mucho tiempo, pero eramos dos personitas con un camino largo por recorrer. Hemos vuelto a encontrarnos y falta aun mas por conocer y valorar de cada uno. Quiero dejar atras mi inseguridad, miedo, negatividad y esa idea que está grabada en mi mente por haberla vivido de manera repetitiva. Creo en ti pero no en mi. No quiero desilusionarte de ninguna manera. No tengo miedo a apostar por algo que yo creo. Aveces me invade el miedo a perder aunque siempre me quedo sola y con el peor sentimiento del mundo.
Me desconozco cuando no soy como mis padres fueron conmigo. Eso que no aprendí de ellos puede ser algo importante y esencial. Tengo claro que en eso no quiero parecerme a ellos y he intentado transformar mi frialdad en algo mejor y que me da mas que cuando me protejo. Tengo todo lo que me queda de vida para entenderme y saber quien soy. En ese proceso hay quienes me rodean y ya lo saben, me aceptan y no me dejan a un lado. Al pasado, ya sea lejano o cercano, puedo volver para recordar los momentos bonitos y de los cuales he aprendido algo. El presente me toca vivirlo tal y como es. Y el futuro ya lo viviré cuando sea presente. Los sueños se tienen cuando no depende de uno poder hacerlos una realidad. Ahora casi todo es una realidad que sigue pareciendo un sueño. Hace falta abrir mejor los ojos y creer.

Negación*

El miedo está presente en sus vidas. Saben que ella y yo compartimos cierta idea que nunca nos hemos revelado cara a cara pero yo lo se. Al ver la situación y en el lugar que está, tienen miedo de ellos tener que verse en la misma posición. La negación de ambos no les permite ayudar de una manera efectiva, asi que el problema seguirá hasta que su hija haga algo. Ella no pretende controlarlos de esa manera. Aunque es algo absurdo, con ésta conducta tal vez estupida, ella les demuestra que tiene el (des)control de su vida y que al final tiene la ultima palabra de lo que quiere para ella. Obviamente no es un final feliz pero si es una alternativa para escapar de una prisión de cristal donde casi todo esta accesible pero no otorga la felicidad que ella busca y desea. Dejadla ser por que con esa forma tan asfixiante de pseudopreocuparse podría dejar de ser y al desvanecerse para siempre no entenderan el por que aunque ella lo hizo notar.

Extinta*

Hoy se ha apagado otra estrella en mi cielo. Fue una estrella que noté aproximadamente hace 5 años. Desde el principio hubo un click especial. Brillaba para mi y yo era especial para esa estrella. Sin embargo, mi silencio y otra conducta que esa estrella notó, le llevaron a alejarse de mi cielo. Le tenía confianza y pude contarle muchas cosas mas pero eso no habría cambiado mucho por que el no ceder hace que los demas tomen decisiones definitivas. No queda mas que aceptarlo o decidir defender mi punto aunque al final yo no haré lo que se me pide. No hace falta convencer al exterior cuando en el interior de uno mismo no se puede identificar de manera convincente lo que otros te dicen que está mal y que debes cambiar. Tal vez se pierde de mucho al no ceder y no cambiar, pero cuando sea posible el cambio, todo tendrá sentido. Ésta noche no vendrá esa estrella a hacerme compañía.

Despues de la Tormenta*

Esto es la locura!. Despues de tener un dia negro, marcado por el estrés y ansiedad, en éste momento me siento con motivación a ser una mejor yo. El hecho de que alguien prefiera ferocidad a calidad no tiene que ver conmigo. Esa otra persona, en éste momento espera encontrar alguien que no se ve como yo. Intentó cambiar en mi lo que el buscaba y aunque no es definitivo lo que quiero, no cedí. Creo que esta mal de repente desaparecer pero cuando uno de los dos lo hace es por que solo buscaba, no encontró, se desinteresó y se fue. Hoy ya no estoy interesada en las respuestas que yo buscaba. He aprendido de la historia y no estoy dispuesta a repasar lo que ya se. La historia de diferentes culturas solo difieren en eso, en la cultura, pero al final la historia es la misma. Te perdono por que no sabes lo que haces ni de lo que te pierdes. Cuando te enteres, espero que lo aprecies y lo valores y a mi... que me valga.

(Escrito despues del dia del negro abismo)

Ella, Yo*

Su primera respuesta siempre es desfavorable y de cierta manera mal intencionada. Victima de mis decisiones siempre, pero nunca aprendo. Los dias no regresan, las oportunidades pasan y los errores se repiten. Hay una frase que Kurt Cobain escribió en su carta de despedida y que me hace coincidir con el: "...it's better to burn out than to fade away". Es cierto pero yo me he hecho fade al instante en la vida de muchas personas. Todo por que el dolor nunca ha sido suficiente como para poner punto final.
Dicen que cuando te cansas de una situación, te detienes en seco y lo dejas todo para empezar con algo mas. Estaba conciente de que podía haber una recaída pero no una caida al negro abismo. Estas son solo sensaciones a las que mi cuerpo ya se ha acostumbrado y cree que es la forma normal de estar. La fiesta terminó temprano y me hace pensar si es un error pasarla bien?, disfrutar y sentir que todo esta bien tambien esta mal?. Preguntas para las cuales yo no tengo respuestas y que las personas que no estan en control de mi vida solo responden con mentiras. Estoy harta de las mentiras por que no me han llevado a la felicidad, estabilidad o madurez. Aunque un año malo haya quedado en el pasado, la mala vida prevalece.

Crash and Burn*

I played with fire, and I got burned. It really was too good to be true, and I finally understood what D meant with "if you don't respect yourself, then others won't respect you". I just can't keep on falling this hard and this fast.
I trusted you, and I never imagined you were going to fail me. Even though there were no expectations of that type, I hoped that you were going to respect me after all. I'm never enough for someone. I always lack everything. I am so disposable and have no value. I opened myself too soon, and I lost everything including myself. Once again I'm ready to go and never come back, but I can't do it because I don't want to suffer. Today I am ready. I am sorry for becoming a disappointment. It really wasn't my intention that all this went so bad. I tried to do my best in controlling myself, but my emotions overruled.
I slept for a couple of hours, then I woke up to read the words that brought me down earlier. They didn't hurt me again because the damage is already done. It's like being poisoned, the second time won't make any difference. Another lesson learned the hard way. Ok, I can't say that I've learned it until I'm exposed to a similar situation and then master it by not doing the same mistake...again.
The best option for now is to walk away at least for a week, or just take the time to try and heal these wounds. I'm upset because life used you to make me suffer. However, you will never know, and I will miss everything.

Typical*

I read different type of books, and I enjoy not sticking to a single genre. Maybe because I am versatile, and I like different things every now and then. I've been reading this book since the day I bought it (wednesday), and I could have chosen to watch the movie instead, just in case i turned to be the slow reader I've been with the other books turned into movies. So far so good because I'm almost done with it. Anyway, everytime I start reading a book, I have some expectations such as to be entertained or to find a resemblance between the story/characters and myself. While reading this book, I was looking for answers and probably new theories to argue about (with myself and then turn it into a writing topic). It took me by surprise that in this book I found a chapter literally about me. If I had read it when it happened, I would still have gone through the process of wondering and justifying because as the book said "I needed answers", that i never got as the book also said. I laughed when I read this because on that chapter I noticed that I had gone through what some girls go through. I learned that in those situations, I can be typical even when I thought I was being original by wanting some answers that when I got them those weren't the answers I was hoping for or even expecting. They were lies, sweet little lies that made me happy for a second, but didn't take away my everyday wondering.

V day*

I might have to let some time pass by once again. The first time I didn't know that it was going to be that way. After 4 months of hoping that he would come back, I understood that all that he had said were bad excuses just so that the friendship wouldn't get lost for a possible future. I've cheated myself again. I feel stupid because no matter how many times I've been warned, I get carried away. My heart is at peace now. I feel numb. Perhaps the crying took away the energy I had left. I was cast out, but I don't understand why.
Another Valentine's day spent alone, but feeling blue compared to past ones. In the celebration of love and friendship, I've heard those words I stopped saying to myself about 2 months ago.
Today it feels like last year. I feel depressed, I can't and I don't want to eat. I hate myself and I want to die. I am lonely. However, today I don't feel ugly and obese.
I have panic attacks one day, terrible mood swings the next one and depression the next hour.
That small detail can't make up all that I was hoping for today. Maybe it's another excuse, but 5 months later it has a different face. That's the thing with distrusting people, even when you have known them for a long time, in the end you won't feel disappointed. The problem lies in the expectations and hopes one has. For the past days I had this problem. Tonight I will not trust you even if I see you in my dreams.

Late @ night*

I used to enjoy being awake until late by entertaining myself watching TV, dancing or chatting with those who were awake. Now, I wish that I could spend more time sleeping because that way I wouldn´t feel this ache in my heart. I go to bed, I wake up, and I spend my day with the accelerated beating of my heart. It´s anxiety mixed with fear and frustration that multiple times a day turns into panic attacks. I do my best to control them, but in the process I burst into tears because of the pain.
I wanted to completely understand human behavior and people´s emotions. I wanted to be there for people and help them. I wanted to be in control of my emotions, to be strong. In a way I was, and that is why I chose Psychology as my major. I thought i knew all the basics, and that I just needed scientific knowledge. During my undergrad years, I had plenty of obstacles. I overcame some of them, and I let time pass with some others. The obstacles that I have ignored have been the ones that have left me wounded. I learned what was wrong, but I didn´t learn how not to fall again with the same mistake.
Valentine´s day... I´m usually at school that day, seeing all of the couples and the people that have their friends with them. This time it will be on a saturday, and I might not see all that for the first time in years. I thought that for the first time I was going to get to do something with some friends, but it seems that my presence is not required, or so it feels that way. I don´t like to make people feel uncomfortable with my presence because that will leave me feeling uncomfortable too. Maybe it will be like previous Valentine days. This is just a reminder that even when things have changed in my life, I shouldn´t get too excited believing that everything will change for good.

I am, I am not, I want*

I am not very smart. I experiment with myself by doing things I know I shouldn't. I disrespect and hurt myself with that behavior. I don't understand how is that others will disrespect me if i disrespect myself. D told me that I humiliate myself a lot, and I think that I'm just being conscious of all my negative non-qualities. I will never be the way people think I am. I am complicated and impossible to understand.
I want to make better decisions, to be confident. I want to value myself and see the positive qualities that my closest friends tell me about. I want to be smart, friendly, outgoing, easy going. I would like to be a free spirit that doesn't live by the social norms. I want to have better ideas and a clue of what my life is made of. I want to know who I am and also understand myself. Maybe if I achieve to have all this, I will end up being happy or at peace with myself. I don't know when exactly I got lost, I don't know if I'll ever find myself again. Maybe I'll find a new and better me, but until that happens, I will still feel this way. I'm not at my comfort zone because I'm doing things that I used to refuse.
Is this the beginning of a new me?

Complicated*

I’m complicated. I don’t even understand myself. I don’t know what I want, but I am sure I want more. I’ve tried to find my way, my purpose in life, but it becomes harder each time I try a new way to achieve it. I’m surrounded by people that have helped me to understand myself, but in the end I complicate everything as usual. I’m overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with life, people…everything. My way of thinking and perceiving things is so tangled that I never have a way to untangle it. Even in my dreams, everything is complicated, and I suffer the same as in life. Maybe my dreams are like my life, or maybe my life is a dream that becomes a nightmare each time I become self conscious and try to do the right thing, but I end up doing the opposite. Maybe I’m not true to myself… and what I think that bothers me, it's not really it, but I try to cover it with that, so that I won't look like a fool. Life has passed me by, and I will never have my moment.